


The Middle Part 2 -- Sam

by lostinmymindforever



Series: Connections [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-25
Updated: 2012-12-25
Packaged: 2017-11-22 09:18:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/608236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostinmymindforever/pseuds/lostinmymindforever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam deals with things in his own way</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Middle Part 2 -- Sam

If Sam had disliked his father before, he hated the man now after he forced Sam to leave Jimmy. Had Sam been given warning he would have told the man in person that he was leaving, not just leaving a note that would bring up more questions than it would answer. Sam loved Jimmy with his entire being, and having to leave him like this was killing him.  
Dean could see the change in his younger brother, how he had turned from a laughing, happy young man to a moody, broody, emotional wreck who could barely stand to be around their father. He didn’t know what had happened, but he knew whatever it was had hurt Sam deeply. Dean wished he could fix things for Sammy, he wished that Sam would talk to him, tell him what was wrong but Sam had retreated into himself. When Sam wasn’t fighting with their dad he was silent, and that silence scared Dean.

Dean had heard Sam crying himself to sleep more than once, but every time he tried to talk to Sam he had been told it was none of his business and to leave him alone. If Dean didn’t know any better he would swear Sam had a broken heart, but that was foolish, Sam hadn’t been involved with anyone. As far as Dean knew Sam was still innocent, a virgin who had never even been kissed.

By the time Sam was 16 things had gotten so bad between Sam and John that they hadn’t spoken a word to each other in almost a month. Dean was their go between, and it wasn’t as if John hadn’t tried to understand what was going on with his youngest. Sam just had no place for their dad anymore, and it was ripping their family apart.

That summer is when Dean started to notice something odd with Sam. He’d sneak off and come home late into the night. John hadn’t noticed the odd behavior, but Dean did. He had been watching Sam closely, trying to figure out just what was going on in his head. When their dad left for a week long solo hunt Dean decided to follow Sam the next time he snuck out. What he saw shocked him. Sam was practically throwing himself at anyone who gave him the time of day, going as far as letting some strange guy lead him into an alley. 

Dean knew he shouldn’t have followed, he knew he shouldn’t have watched as Sam allowed himself to be taken hard and rough against the alley wall, eyes screwed closed, tears streaming down his cheeks. When the man tried to kiss Sam, Sam acted like a man possessed, shoving him away angrily, telling him that wasn’t what this was about. The man had thrown money at Sam’s feet, telling him if he was going to act like a whore he might as well be paid like one. Dean was sickened to see his brother treated like that, and sickened at how his body had reacted watching. 

Sam had taken the money and dropped it at the feet of a homeless man, before walking back towards the motel, hands in his pockets, tears still falling down his cheeks. Dean wanted to talk to Sam, to tell him what he had seen, to ask him why he was doing this, but he couldn’t. As time passed Dean would see bruises on Sam, bruises that weren’t from hunts, and he knew that Sam had allowed himself to be used again and again.

It wasn’t that Dean didn’t see Sam with girls, there were plenty of them too, but Sam never seemed to get close to anyone. Not the men who he allowed to use him like it was the only thing he was good for, nor the girls he treated as if they were made of glass and he needed to defend them. Dean wished he knew what to do, what to say to try and fix things, to bring back his little brother.

It shouldn’t have come as any surprise when Sam said he was leaving, but it did. It felt like Dean had been slapped in the face, like he wasn’t good enough. On the night before Sam left Dean finally asked Sam everything he had been meaning to ask him for years now. What Sam told him shocked him and hurt at the same time. Sam was ranting about how he had fallen in love and their dad had forced him to leave, had forced him to not even be able to say goodbye. Sam talked about how heartbroken he was, that every time he looked at their father’s face it reminded him of what he had been forced to give up, it was bad enough that he couldn’t have a normal life, but to have the one good thing that Sam had all to himself ripped away hurt.

Dean could understand Sam’s anger. He understood now why Sam was as lost as he was, and Dean also knew that nothing he could say or do would ever fix things. He couldn’t have helped, and it hurt to watch Sam as he struggled to deal with his broken heart, something Dean had no control over, something he couldn’t fix even if he wanted to. He wished Sam had spoken sooner, that he could have been there for Sam, but Dean knew wishing for what could have been wouldn’t fix anything. Dean had many regrets as he watched Sam get on his bus to leave for California, but his biggest was not being there enough for Sam. He only wished Sam would have told him who had broken his heart so Dean could give the guy a proper beat down.

\---

Sam tried to go on like nothing was wrong, like it didn’t hurt to leave his family, to walk away from everything he knew. It hurt, but Sam knew he couldn’t stay, knew he had to get away from his father before he did something he would regret. Sam had come close to hurting John more than once, but always stopped himself before it went to blows. Walking away was for the best, even though the minute Sam stepped onto that bus he felt as if his heart was breaking all over again.

Sam spent the next two years in a blur. He spent almost as much time as he did studying trying to fill the void in his heart. The guys he hooked up with were never quite right, they didn’t laugh right, or they were too girly, something was always wrong. His roommates never knew about what he did, Sam was good about hiding it. He had perfected being secret about what he did, never picking up anyone at a campus bar, never hooking up with the same person more than once. His friends tried to get him to date, but he waved them off, letting them think he was too interested in school to have a relationship.

It was just after the end of his sophomore year that Sam decided to go and look for Jimmy. He still dreamed about Jimmy almost every night, thought about him, jerked off to memories of their time together. Sam knew he was obsessed, knew that unless he saw Jimmy again he would be miserable. So he left California, driving across country to try and find him. When he pulled up down the street from Jimmy’s house he noticed a woman and young girl out front. He instantly assumed that Jimmy had moved and went to ask the woman if she knew what had happened to Jimmy.

Sam felt like he had been slapped in the face when the woman told him she was Jimmy’s wife and the girl was his daughter. Sam knew he shouldn’t be jealous, that he and Jimmy had been over for years, but Jimmy was his. Hearing that he was happy broke his heart all over again. He tried not to cry in front of Jimmy’s wife and quickly made his way back to his car after leaving a message to tell Jimmy that he was okay. He drove out of town, pulling over to the side of the road before letting himself break down. He hurt more than he thought was possible.

It wasn’t long after that he was introduced to Jessica. Sam threw himself into the relationship with her, trying to bury the ghost of Jimmy. As the months progressed Sam started to fall in love with Jessica, even if a voice in the back of his head kept telling him how much she reminded him of Jimmy and Dean. He ignored that voice, tried to ignore everything that was telling him that no matter what happened he could never love her the way she deserved.

They had over a year together before she was ripped away from him and Sam was forced back into the life he hated. At least he didn’t have to deal with his father on a daily basis, Sam was sure that he would have completely lost it had that been the case. But as the months passed and the pain of losing Jessica faded, Sam’s heart ached for what he couldn’t have once more. He behaved himself, didn’t go off looking for someone to fill the ache that seemed almost unbearable at times until after his father died. 

It was a few months after John had passed away when Sam slipped into his old habits. Dean was spending the night with some girl he had met and Sam, rather than sit in their motel room letting his anger and frustration and sense of loss overcome him, went out for the night. He picked up a man who looked so much like Jimmy, but of course, like always, it wasn’t good enough.

Soon Sam was back to doing what he had done before Jessica, trying to fill that place in his heart and never being able to. It wasn’t right, and it wasn’t fair, but it was Sam’s life. He longed for what he couldn’t have, longed for Jimmy, hell even the dreams about Dean started back up, something he thought he was long over. For the first time in Sam’s life he was actually contemplating telling Dean how he felt about him, telling Dean how much he wanted him and needed him.

It took Sam’s death and Dean making his deal for things to come out into the open. With Dean having less than a year the two of them decided to make the most of things. They shared everything, their thoughts and dreams, secrets they had both kept hidden, and most importantly their bodies. Sam knew that when Dean died he would be broken, that he would probably never love again. He had already lost so much, Dean’s death would break him. 

Dean never asked who had broken his heart when they were younger until the night before his deal was up. Sam had told him about Jimmy, about how much he had loved him and how their father had forced Sam to lose him. Sam wasn’t surprised that Dean didn’t recognize the name, they moved around so much and Dean hadn’t spent much time with the man. Dean made him promise to try and find Jimmy, to tell him the truth about why he had left. So Sam told him what he had seen, told Dean how he had searched Jimmy out and found out that the man was married and had a child. Dean had held him in his arms, telling Sam how sorry he was that he was leaving Sam all alone, telling him that he wished he could do something, anything to make things better, to fix things for Sam.

Sam hushed Dean, telling him he wanted to spend their last night together making good memories rather than in tears. The two of them made love all night, and Sam thought that maybe, just maybe the memories made would be enough to keep him sane.

Sam settled down not far from where Dean was buried, not far from where Jimmy and his family lived, mourning his losses. Ruby had come to him, trying to get him to fight, but he couldn’t bring himself to leave, and when she tried forcing the issue Sam took her knife and shoved it in her heart, rather than allow her to corrupt his memories. Dean clawed his way out four months later, and the found out that it had been an angel who dragged him out of Hell, an angel named Castiel.

When Sam finally met him a few weeks later he felt like his world had been tossed upside down, because Castiel looked exactly like Jimmy. Sam knew he shouldn’t, but his heart and mind were both set on seducing the angel, and maybe, just maybe getting back a piece of what he had lost.


End file.
